Psalm 14:1-3
I always used to be one of the people who would freak out whenever somebody with bipolar disorder wanted to take a "drug vacation." I completely believed all the professionals who told me that a bipolar patient HAS to be on meds. Believe me, I have been there and definitely done that. I have been on every psych med there is except Lamictal and Abilify. I can explain why. I have been mentally wellbeing challenged all my life. It started with a massive OCD that I still struggle with today. I drove my family nuts by compulsive over cleaning and over the years it has turned into compulsive hoarding, compulsive shopping and obsessive thinking to the point where this disability has made me unable to work and function in other ways many times. In my teens I was obsessed with my weight and started starving myself and developed anorexia. In the middle of all these struggles I was able to get an education and do other things as well, but always with my wellbeing challenges following right behind me and threatening to knock me down so many times. I was in a mental institution for depression (while I was on different anti depressants) and all they did was give me more meds. I was on 60 mg of Cipramil at one point. Nobody knew I had a drinking problem. I was put on Lithium for bipolar disorder which lead me to having parkinson and it took me a while to recover from all the shaking and trembling. I was then put on Orfiril, an anti epileptic med, which made me put on so much weight I could hardly recognize myself. As if I didn`t feel bad enough about myself already, I was now a fat cow and pre diabetic. I called my psychiatrist and told her that I was throwing the Orfiril out the window because I couldn`t deal with it any more. She immediately took me in and changed my medication to anti psychotics. I have been on Zyprexa, Risperdal (twice), Seroquel (twice) and Zeldox. All the meds have given me massive side effects. The Seroquel made me sleep away half the day and gave me even more anxiety. I was in such a state of panic once that a psych team came to my home to talk to me and calm me down and they had a psychiatrist on the phone who told them to give me 100 mg more Seroquel!! When I was finally taken off the Seroquel in 2010, my anxiety dropped dramatically. I no longer had to put up with panic attacks on a daily basis. My day had included hours that I had reserved for "private time" which consisted of panic attacks! I am so happy that I got off that med and they put me back on Risperdal. Well to make a looong story short, I had finally had it when in the summer of 2011 I had so much tardive dyskinesia and even breast milk - I decided that I am done with this shit and I will prove to everyone that I can get off these meds and so what if I am emotionally unstable and anxious sometimes, big deal, who cares??? My experience is that people are very understanding and tolerant if you just explain to them that right now you need a break. And how much more do I have to put up with? When the psychiatrist suggested the anti psychotic med Abilify to me, I refused because I know of someone who took this med and when I saw her again a couple of months later she had put on 80 pounds. The psychiatrist then talked about the bipolar med Lamictal. This is a psych med that helps many with emotional instability, but it CAN lead to a skin condition or a rash that CAN lead to death. My panic went through the roof when I was thinking about this and I said no way. Having had so many disastrous side effects from meds already, I was convinced that this would be the psych med that would finally put me in my grave. Thank God for panic that made me put my foot down and say no because I have now been off the meds since then. NO it has not been easy. And remember I went into the recovery with everything - got off the meds, got off the alcohol. Every day I struggle in some way, but I have learned that it was possible. We are all born into this world with challenges. Sometimes I think about the people with angina or lung diseases who have chest pains or trouble breathing and it is for real. I then feel lucky because I "only" have anxiety. I will not be ashamed of my mental disorders any more. If people ask me, I can tell them the honest truth. And things are actually going so well right now that some people are SHOCKED to find out about my wellbeing challenges. I don`t go around mouthing off to everyone but I am open about my problems if I need my "private time." Anyways, enough of my drama for now. I am doing good, I am happy that I got off the meds, I am alcohol free (183 days!) and will not let my issues define me any longer. It`s been a long hard road, but God is faithful. I truly believe that one day I will be completely recovered from everything that has haunted me since I was a child. If I ever feel anxious or troubled I cling to the word "Jesus." For psychologists and psychiatrists who won`t listen to my praise reports and say there are OTHER reasons things are going so well - take your degrees and throw them in front of God, you fools who don`t believe.
Blessed be God … who comforts us in all our tribulation, that we may be able to comfort those who are in any trouble, with the comfort with which we ourselves are comforted by God.
2 Co 1:3-4
